"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic."

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world."

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."

"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. You may have to work for it, however."

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been."

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

"Television: chewing gum for the eyes."

"Like the ski resort full of girls hunting for husbands and husbands hunting for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem."

"Indifference, then, is not only a sin, it is a punishment."